F’s Story

Hello N, I hope it’s ok that I write to you. Just today I came across several posts from you warning about Miguel “Delgado”. I really wish I had read this a week ago. I went to his ayahuasca retreat last weekend … and it was absolutely gruesome. Totally unprofessional people who absolutely shouldn’t work with medicine. It was really dangerous! And something of over-sexualized. Miguel didn’t talk about anything else; he obviously wanted to win new fuck partners. 

I’ve never met such a manipulative person. He manages to see people’s weaknesses and use them against you. When I stupidly told him that I had problems with intimacy, he tried everything to convince me to go to one of his sex parties. And after I explained to him and his team why I don’t think they should work with medicine or with people in general, they brutally attacked me verbally for 4 hours. Used all the personal shit I told them against me. Even now, a week later, I am still badly battered and almost traumatized. I have no idea how long it will take to process all of this .. 

Thank you so much for speaking out against him and his horrific methods in public. It helped me to read so much today that I’m not the only one who has had such an experience with him. After he told me for 4 hours that I was way too damaged to even form an opinion on anything (which is total nonsense anyway), I had already started to doubt myself… At the last ceremony there were only 5 people who were not associated with the organizers .. So it seems to be getting around slowly what kind of people they are .. You probably did a lot to make his machinations public. Thank you very much for your courage!  

Addition transcribed from a voice message: 

“Two an a half years ago I was at a super shitty and traumatizing ayahuasca retreat of Miguel. Coming back from it I was completely alienated from myself and my environment, very debilitated,  confused and lost. I then saw a post of N on Facebook that totally described my own experience, just exactly the same I had. I have experienced the same things and therefore was so grateful that I immediately was writing her; on the one hand because it is very important to me that people know what’s going on in the retreats of Miguel and what kind of person he is, but also because it also helped me since they were attacking me so badly at the retreat that I had started to doubt myself. Wow, talking about it right now, I am starting to shake again, although this happened already two and a half years ago! Therefore I really was grateful that I had someone to talk about all this and was getting it from my chest…

When I arrived at the retreat of Miguel I immediately had the feeling that Miguel was very fixated on me. He was starring at me intensively for a very long time. I got a predator vibe from him which made me feel very uncomfortable. And this fixation on me continued the whole weekend…

My intention for the weekend was to come out of my shell that’s why I for the first time shared things that were very personal, fears, insecurities, which costed me a lot of effort to overcome my resistance. One thing was that I have problems with allowing intimacy. Miguel immediately grasped on that, following me the whole retreat, trying to convince me that only sexual liberation could free me from my problems with intimacy and that I should come to his sex parties. He permanently was touching me without consent and I was signaling that I don’t want this. It was invasive but somehow subliminal, I don’t know how to really describe it, very manipulative. I realized the whole time how fucking manipulative he is. What is this, when you tell someone in a sharing circle that you have problems with intimacy and the organizer then wants to lull you into coming to his sex parties? This is pretty hardcore! He behaved incredibly intrusive the whole time.

The first night already was very difficult, I was used to being in a safe space when drinking ayahuasca with the shaman I had done ceremonies before. The crew of Miguel, 4 persons, just seemed to be a bunch of druggies for me and I felt very uncomfortable about it. There wasn’t the sense of love and unity I knew from my previous ceremonies, it was latent aggressive and individualistic, people being devaluated very fast. I did not have the feeling that they respected the medicine at all, not the ayahuasca nor the rapé which they were shooting enormous amounts up the noses of the people. 

The second night than was horrific. One of the guys had a very difficult process, it completely escalated when he started to hurt himself, banging his head against the floor. The whole team of the organizers were totally overwhelmed and didn’t knew what to do with him. They were just standing in front of him, screaming at him that he has to stop, then they violently grabbed him when he wanted to leave the room, throwing him back on the floor. And this was going on for hours. They only were screaming at him, being very violent in the way they spoke to him, threatening him that they will close him up in a separate room. I was so so sorry for him, he had such a difficult process and the organizers made it only worse. 

I myself was lying on my mat at one point when Miguel came and laid on top of me and started to rant because I had my arms crossed in front of my body. He accused me that my body posture implied that I was not being open to the medicine. How intrusive is this, that he was laying on top of me, his face very close to mine. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I told him very clearly that I don’t want this and sensed a lot of anger coming from him towards me. I think he realized that I was not happy with the whole situation and everything that was happening there. When I later started to speak up to help this guy who had this difficult process Miguel already slashed at me. It was clear that two fronts were formed already. 

The next morning in the sharing circle Miguel immediately started to talk about something like that when one unconsciously is hiding from the medicine and is not going deep into the process, they are projecting things on the outside…. oh wow, I am shaking so much right now, incredible!… So he started to discredit me before I was able to say anything about my experience… When it then was my turn I gathered all my courage and told them that I don’t think that they had anything under control the previous night and that they shouldn’t do such retreats. I told them that I found it impossible how they were treating that guy and that this should be a warning to them to not do something like this anymore since it really was a horrific night. 

And then Miguel really started to attack me… oh shit… I really don’t understand how other people cannot see that, how terrible manipulative this guy is… there was so much anger in him… I thought the whole time “what a fucking psychopath!” with his fucking cold and stirring eyes… and then he began to attack me with such a violence… like I said, I wanted to come out of my shell and therefore had told them a lot of personal things, things I had not even told my friends… so they took everything I have told them, all the shit, my fears, they took it and used it against me… (she’s crying). This was shit. Really everything… shit… it hurt me so much… I really had gathered all my courage to tell them all these things and then they were beating it around my head… shit, sorry (still crying). Ah fuck, all this happened two and a half years ago… they said that I wasn’t able to form an opinion because of my fears… it was so discrediting. It was going on for a very long time, I didn’t understand that – Miguel was working with this Anna –  sorry, but I usually assume that us women have a solidarity for each other… she must have seen that… but she just joined him in attacking me, not as violent as Miguel, not as aggressive… how can she not see how violent he is, talking down on me… this fucking violence… why does she not see it? I don’t understand this. You are going to a ceremony and you think this is a loving space where you can open yourself up to others but then they are taking what you have told them confidentially and use it against you, to show what a shitty person you are and that you shouldn’t have an opinion on anything. I think it’s so embarrassing. 

I was fucking helpless. We discussed two hours, they didn’t stop to attack me. After two hours I wanted to leave but they wouldn’t let me go. So I was sitting back down and the continued to attack me even more. Another two hours, so four hours in the end. 

I absolutely hope that a stop will be put on Miguels activities. I am happy that I was not falling for his scam with the sex parties and so on. I really cannot imagine how someone cannot see what an incredible manipulative person and how violent he is.”